Read a list on Business Insider, “The Unofficial Goldman Sachs Guide To Being a Man”. But get this, they published it without allowing me to explain some of their thoughts better. The jerks. So I wrote some additional words to go along with a few of their tips. Here we go.
“Stop talking about where you went to college.”
Even if you are asked, shake your head to indicate a refusal to answer this. If your date looks confused by your steadfast silence, you may write down the name of the college and three positive memories from your time there. After she has read the list, take back the paper and destroy it by fire. Side tip: Always keep a pad of paper, a pen, and book of matches on your person at all times.
"Always carry cash. Keep some in your front pocket."
Also carry coins and a checkbook and goods you can barter, like silks and unorthodox meats like crocodile or ox. Also keep some of these in your front pocket. Basically, credit cards are effeminate. That’s why they fit so comfortably in purses.
“Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.”
How to make a pants fire: come up with a lie so plainly obvious in its lack of honesty that it could be refuted by even the most simple-minded person you know. Upon doing so, you’ll notice your pants are starting to smoke. Then say smaller, white lies to fan the smoke, which will soon become a fire. When you wish to extinguish your pants, come clean on your deceit.
“It’s okay to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.”
We encourage you to act recklessly and without abandon. Adopt a model of behavior that indicates a disbelief you will ever grow old. Some people will say that this is selfish and irresponsible and that by playing by these rules you might not even make it out of your 20s and/or 30s. Tell them they are eggheads, and then drink and drive.
“The best public restrooms are in hotels: The St. Regis in New York, Claridge’s in London, The Fullerton in Singapore, to name a few. ”
Aren’t I impressive for listing extravagantly expensive hotels in major cities? Love me for my wealth. Celebrate me for my ego. I am power. Bow down before your god. Side note: Make sure the hotel has a lobby and that you feel comfortable ignoring the concierge as you parade past them to relieve yourself. Side note side note: Only paupers use fast food restaurant bathrooms.
“Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row… Unless something really good comes up on the third night.”
Follow this rule explicitly, except sometimes don’t. We hope you don’t get the vague feeling that list was written by wealthy douche bags who are less clever than they think they are.
“If riding the bus doesn’t incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.”
Only disgusting poor people use busses. Never be poor. Be a man. Be a wealthy man, and if you can, be a wealthy man as a result of institutional racism. That’s the most satisfying kind.
“Time is too short to do your own laundry.”
This is more of a “stop being not wealthy” thing than a “stop being poor” thing if we’re going to spilt hairs. Either way, overspend on cleaning your clothes at a laundromat, or find a woman and explain that their gender defined role is that of home servant.
“You don’t have to like baseball, but you should understand the concept of what a pitcher’s ERA means. Approach life similarly.”
Because a pitcher’s ERA indicates how many runs they have given up, on average, over the course of 9 innings. So, the pitcher is you, and the runs are actions that you take. 9 innings represent 9 months, or 9 seasons, and sometimes they’re 9 years. The ERA indicates how many actions you have given up to take over the course of 9 harvests. Still following me? Great. The catcher is your fourth grade teacher. First base is freedom of the press. Short stop is a grilled Reuben, and center field is a board game, let’s say “Battleship”.
“Buy expensive sunglasses. Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them. ”
It is beyond crucial that you try to live up to the standards of superficial people. Inner-beauty should be disregarded at all costs. You are a man, remember? You only enjoy the way the package is wrapped, not what’s inside the box. You are a man.
“Be a regular at more than one bar.”
Or, make sure the staff at least remembers you, even if you’re not frequenting it all the time. This can be done relatively quickly. Upon entering the bar you wish to be remembered in, scream your name. Plead with the bartenders and wait staff to remember you by offering them sexual favors. Bring printed copies of a headshot taken by a professional photographer (remember, don’t be poor) and glue them to the wall. Do this in the bars of the areas you spend the most time in.
“No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautiful woman. ”
Before taking a picture with a woman, consider her beauty. Remember, superficiality is essential. If she doesn’t conform to society’s prescribed idea of attractiveness (i.e. dangerously thin and airbrushed), then push her aside (literally) until the next woman comes along (and one will, for all women desperately crave the company of a man).
“Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing.”
Display it prominently in your mansion. Get pissy when someone asks you if you’re overcompensating for something and then get into your oversized SUV or ludicrously flashy sports car and drive away. Turn up the music to drown out their laughter and ignore your tiny, tiny penis.
“Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them. ”
This is because women are defined by the men in their lives. Imagine a world without men. Now stop. Go to a mirror. See how your face is lined with tears? That is because the idea of a world that isn’t dominated by men is tragically sad. Now consider this: all women live in fear that their days won’t be filled with interactions with strange men. We are their nectar.
“Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists.”
She should also be a Cooper Black in a car repair shop, Goudy Old Style in an office supplies store, Marker Felt in church, and a Cambria in a kitchen nook. If she’s a Comic Sans anywhere, run away and vaccinate.
“Piercings are liabilities in fights.”
And you will get into fights. Because you are a man. A MAN, DAMN IT! FIGHT ME. FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW. TAKE OFF THAT SHIRT. I AM TAKING OFF MY SHIRT. LET’S WRESTLE AND SWEAT ON EACH OTHER. ARRRRRGHGHGHGHGH.
“One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.”
Wink wink. Nudge nudge. Get all the strange you can, my dude. (We qualified that sentence with the word “probably” on purpose, bro.) Women are objects, so it’s ok to talk about them like they’re lesser than we are.
“Your ties should be rolled and placed in a sectioned tie drawer”.
How to build a sectioned tie drawer: Tell your butler or footman that you wish to have them put your neck wear in a special drawer away from the rest of your wardrobe. Have them contact a wood worker in a different country so you can have the pleasure of paying freight costs of a heavy item when they ship it to you. Never actually see the tie drawer, but take pleasure in knowing that it exists in your home, and that it exists in your home because you are wealthy.
“No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it.”
Hear that Native Americans? If you want to be men, you’ll stop protesting the Washington Redskins. It all boils down to this: because we were raised in a world that exalts us and promotes us beyond all others because of our light skin, we get furious at the idea that anything we do could ever be seen as wrong or backward. Be a man and take pleasure in our ritual of telling the people we treat like second-class citizens that their concerns are trivial.
“Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats.”
And who sits in those cheap seats? Poor people! Blech. Only listen to criticism from people in private suites or courtside seats. The opinions of the working class are unsuitable for men. Men, men. Men. Men!
Start a wine collection for your kids when they are born. Add a few cases every year without telling them. It’ll make a phenomenal gift in twenty years.
Provided, that they like wine. If they don’t, throw a fit and scream, “why?!?!” and ignore the fact that you have spent hundreds if not thousands of dollars on a gift that’s not wanted or even practical. And then make them drink it until they get sick. That will show those ingrates. Don’t they know they’re talking to a man?
“Hookers aren’t cool, but remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive.”
Always treat women like they are hookers, is what we’re saying. We think. We don’t know. We kept reminding you to drink alcohol so much that made us want a drink so we could shut up the voices in our head that tried telling us that this list was stupid and that you shouldn’t do anything other than pursue happiness in whatever way is healthy, safe, and kind to others. Oh god. Great. Now we all just became women.